Confidence in remembering what you have achieved

Date: Monday, September 17, 2018

Distance: 6 miles/9.66 km

Listened to: Bristol 10k playlist (mostly angry break-up tunes)

After a a bit of sob-blog on Sunday, this time I am focusing on something a little more positive and up-lifting! I am going to dig deep into my memories to think about where confidence comes from rather than what it feels like when it deserts you. See my earlier blog Fighting the fear factor for the full Bristol 10k rundown of how inner panic can cripple you!

Confidence is a strange old thing. I think some of us fake it most of the time, but that faking it is probably akin to something like confidence. I think of myself of as a bit of an inner scaredy cat, but when I look back on my life, I have done things that would require confidence or, at the very least, a decent bit of nerve.

Picking up the phone the first time to do a telephone interview as junior reporter, carrying out numerous ‘death knocks’ (interviewing the loved ones of someone who just tragically died), shouting back at the feared deputy news editor when he yelled at me and pushing myself forward as a rugby reporter are four quick examples.

Just deigning to try and break into the rugby world at all required a bit of pluck. I certainly stuttered my way in:

1. I had to interview the man-mountain that was Tim Rodber after the first game I reported on and was nearly sick as I paced around the clubhouse before an old university friend pushed me in front of him…so I had to start asking my questions.
2. The first time I did a Premiership game, I had to ask the assembled journos to move up to accommodate me. One of them asked to see my ticket as he did not believe there was a place for me in the press box.
3. My first England game and having to leap on Sir Clive Woodward as he left the press conference (a big no-no) to try to nail a Northampton angle to keep the aforementioned deputy news editor happy.

All these were baby steps that I stumbled through, but I wanted the end result…so I did it. I kind of think the same way about running. I want to be able to run, not too fast mind, but just enough to get to a comfortable, consistent pace.

However, I am not the same twenty-something year-old who was trying to break into the very male and upper middle-age domain of rugby reporting and latterly PR. I was far more self-conscious back then. I tried to hide the things I was embarrassed about, like being deaf in one ear, having asthma or being rubbish at pretty much all sports. These days, I don’t really care and I attribute much of that to becoming a mum.

Although I had lost some of the perfect figure I did not appreciate while I had it (why do we do that?), having Ella gave me a skill. I always thought I would be rubbish at giving birth but I actually did ok. Her arrival also signalled the start of a responsibility I take quite seriously. Not just to love and care for her as long as I live, but to be a good role model. I don’t want her to see me hung up about my body or my lack of ability, I want her to think anything is possible and that she is wonderful.

This new responsibility was rubber-stamped on a European trip while I was communications manager for Northampton Saints. We went bowling one night to keep boredom at bay and I, true to form, was consistently useless while a team of elite athletes got strike after strike after double strike. Coach at the time, Paul Grayson (clang – sorry) asked me why my lack of skill did not bother me. I eyed this England, Lions and Saints legend, who could pretty much turn his hand to any sport, and simply shrugged my shoulders. In my head I was thinking: “I have squeezed a baby out of my body via a very small hole in …I’m all good!”

I just began to shrug my shoulders a little more.

Another stupid but landmark shrugging example: Unknown to me, some of the players were laughing at me when I had a trouser leg tucked in one of my socks during a photo shoot I had organised. My younger self would have been mortified. My older self was grateful to the player (Dylan Hartley FYI – double clang) who alerted me to my fashion faux pas rather than worrying about being teased. It was subtle shift but a shift all the same.

I think it was this kind of shift that led me to run in the Kingsbridge 10k (see stunning finish photo above – i had to wear glasses as I had an eye infection on top of everything else!) earlier this year after saying I would NEVER do it. The Bristol 10k was brutal but I had done it. I had got round. I knew I could get round the Kingsbridge route. It is a hilly nightmare but what the hell would happen to me if I walked it or came last? Nothing. I would still be me and people would still love me. So I did it. I ran some it. I walked the rest. I did not come last. I waved at friends and high-fived the kids. And now I can look back on that as a good memory and an achievement.

Looking back and remembering what you have achieved is important for confidence. Very often we forget the good stuff we have done because we are too busy beating ourselves up about what we haven’t done! For instance, I reported on the 1999 Rugby World Cup (and was welcomed into the press box); I was only the second female press officer in the Premiership and the only one for while; I won an award for the match day programme I wrote; I have given birth without intervention twice; I have moved to Devon; I have helped my biggest client win multiple business awards this year; I have run my own business for 10 years. Oh, and I have run in two 10k races this year!

Of course, it would be lovely to run further and faster but I am doing ok. I am doing more than ok! My last run was a dismal disaster but I had confidence in myself to know I had the tools to put it right. I enjoyed this run much more and it also meant I had run 30k in five days. I would never have dreamed doing that six months ago. I have come so far for a deaf, wheezy old bird and I need to appreciate that.

It’s World Gratitude Day tomorrow so be grateful for you have achieved rather than giving yourself a hard time for what you have yet to do.

As ever, thanks for reading. Also, feel free to comment and share. I am keen to hear about other people’s playlists, running stories, tips, etc.

#slowchick #slowrunningisbetterthannorunning #itsoktowalk #runningfordad